Operation: ML
by WastedBeautyN
Summary: Mello has been acting odd, and no one, not even Matt, knows why. He enlists Near and Linda to help him, only to end up on a crazy escapade to win Mello's heart. Unfortunately, the escapade tends to cause more heartbreak than it heals. Humor. K . Rating may go up, but no higher than T. Possible yaoi/shounen-ai and definite implied yaoi/shounen-ai. Fluffy? Quite possibly. Crack.
1. Chapter 1: Defunct

"What do you mean you don't know?" Matt yelled. His fists were clenched so tightly they were bleeding, making his now angry, reddened face look even more startling. This "mutual partnership" was doing nothing for him, yet Near seemed to like getting a rise out of him.

The younger, albino boy grinned sheepishly. "I could take a guess," he offered, running his hand through his fluffy white hair. "It just wouldn't be as accurate as the answers I normally give you."

"Guess, then," growled Matt. He eyed the white-blonde warily, waiting for yet another of Near's weird and yet creepily accurate answers.

"There can only be a few reason's for why Mello would be acting so strange. He could be depressed or otherwise emotionally defunct."

"Defunct?"

"It's the best word ever. Don't mock me." Near strolled over to the window from where he had been sitting on the lounge's couch, taking up residence in the window seat with ease. "Mello could be sick. He could have a fever-"

"He doesn't. I checked."

"Or..." said Near. "Mello might be in love."

Matt's eyes flicked to him. "That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard in my entire life."

"Which makes it all the more probable; don't you agree?"

Matt glared. "So what do I do?"

Near glanced at him with more than faint distaste. "I knew you had defunct logic, but I didn't realize it was that bad."

"My logic is fine! And stop saying defunct! I'm not even sure that you're using it right!"

"Does it matter?" Near twirled a lock of hair around his fingers. "You would have to make sure he wasn't depressed or emotionally...you know."

"Defunct?"

"You're the one who got annoyed." said Near. "So don't you say it. And yes."

Matt glared at him. "Defunct, defunct, defunct."

"Seriously, knock it off. You're just trying to avoid the bigger issue."

"Which is what?"

"If there's a fifty percent chance Mello is in love, there's a sixteen point almost seven chance that he's in love with you." Near crinkled the bridge of his nose uncomfortably as Matt blushed.

"S-so what if he is?"

"Then we employ Operation Mello's Love." Near glanced around nervously, praying that there weren't any cameras he had missed. It would be so awkward if someone was watching them right now, even for him. Operation Mello's Love was something he had thought up jokingly when he and Linda had gotten into a very heated competition as she dared him to "think up a stupid plan". It was a stupid plan. It was crazy. It played too much on human emotions and Near hated it.

But it worked. Linda had used a small variant of it to get That One Hot Guy Who Works At The Coffee Shop to ask her out. Near hadn't told anyone else until one night when he had gotten extremely drunk (which was Linda's fault) and ended up falling asleep outside Matt and Mello's front door. Mello wasn't home and Matt had to carry him in and get him on the couch, and for whatever reason, Near had spilled the beans.

"Fine." said Matt. "And wait- why only sixteen point almost seven percent?"

"I was also factoring in his seemingly benevolent like for Linda and his great enjoyment of physically harassing me." Near looked down at his left hand- it was shaking uncontrollably and causing him minor discomfort. He wasn't used to moving so fast when he wasn't testing, even if it was just his wrist.

"Fine," said Matt again, noticing Near's hand. Where one was shaking uncontrollably, the other clenched and unclenched rapidly.

"Matt...Do me a favor..."

"Ya?"

"If he likes me, put me out of my misery."

Matt stared at Near for a long time. He would be lucky to have someone like Mello fall for him. Anyone would be lucky to have Mello fall in love with them. It was unlikely, what with Mello having proclaimed several times that he was as straight as a ruler, that he liked Near or Matt, but... _No, _he thought. Matt would never hurt or kill someone that made Mello happy. It wasn't in him to do it.

"Defunct," he said, turning out the door of the lounge and into the air-conditioned, night dark hallway.


	2. Chapter 2: Linda Does Not Find You Sexy

"Do we really have to do this?" muttered Matt irritably, casting angry looks around the empty hallway. He worried about how his video games and consoles were faring, what with Mello home alone, chocolate-less, and completely and totally pissed off at Matt. That situation was grim and Near was slow, which just made the whole thing worse.

"Do you want to know or not?"

"We could have just asked Mello." grumbled Matt. He needed sleep. Ever since he'd spoken with Near yesterday, he'd been completely and totally awake, and not even video games could calm the unquiet mind. He saw Near's flashing look and blushed. "Then again, he might not tell the truth."

"Is someone outside?" Linda yelled. She had her cyanosis blue earbuds in, but she could hear muffled talking between two or three people from outside. She stood up, glancing a once-over at her finished painting, which happened to be a close up blue head shot of Matt and Mello as fairies, per _someone's _request. She stepped outside and surveyed the two boys with faint distaste. "Do you need something? I'm kind of busy right now."

"Yes," said Near, "and we have a very important question to ask you."

"Life or death," added Matt. "It could not get more serious."

Linda's face grew panicked as she considered every possible question they could ask her. What? "What?" she inquired.

"Do you find Mello sexy?"

-x-

"Mello?"

"Ya?"

"I have something serious to tell you, and you have to promise not to cry."

"You didn't bring me chocolate." Mello deflated.

Matt sighed. "Actually, I did."

"Oh. Well. Okay, then. What is it?"

"Linda..."

"Yes?"

"Linda does not find you sexy."

Mello stared at him. "_O_kay," he said, eyes growing big before he slowly walked backwards out of the room.


	3. Chapter 3: Bendy Ruler

**I apologize for not updating. I had writer's block, school, and drama, and more school, then three surgeries, more school, more drama, more school, then more school.**

**So, yeah. At least I have an excuse...**

**By the way, if you support Mello with absolutely anyone at all, you're about to hate me. A lot. I let my evil streak have some serious fun here. **

**Warnings For This Chapter: Minor Swearing, Kissing Of The Male-Male Persuasion. **

**I love you guys! Ciao. **

Of the three people in the room: Two were shocked, one was permanently scarred, and all three wore crimson blushes from their necks to their foreheads. The shattered glass on the floor made escape damn near impossible without injury and the shattered look on Mello's face complemented the scene perfectly.

Oh, yeah. And then there was Matt.

"What. The. Hell." Mello's body may have been shaking, but his voice was as clear and as cold as ice crystal.

"Let me explain-"

Mello stormed past them. If he didn't acknowledge the current situation, it didn't happen.

It didn't happen, alright?

-/x\this/x\is/x\a/x\page/x\break/x\-

This morning it had been Matt mad at Mello that started it. "Would you stop obsessing over that?" he snapped irritably, voice raw from the constant arguing of the past two hours.

"I _am _sexy!" Mello proclaimed, holding up the spoon he'd been eating triple chocolate ice cream and Count Chocula with and pointing it at Matt.

"Yes, Mello; you're a Greek God come from Olympus to bless us with your _abs_," said Matt drily. "I've heard it all before."

"I'll prove it! To everyone! To Linda! To the World!"

"Oh, for God's sake," muttered Matt. "We're all going to die."

"What was that?"

"Nothing! Nothing!" Matt put up his hands defensively; Mello glared. "Nothing!" he added a third time in the same tone of voice. "And get that disgusting thing out of my face!"

Matt did not like chocolate, not even remotely. To him, it often looked like a hard shard of dirty blackened window and it tasted even worse. This was one of about ten things Matt and Mello had been arguing about, the complete list as follows:

1. Mello's sexiness does/does not need to be proved.

2. Chocolate.

3. Video games.

4. Near.

5. The "Ridiculous Amount Of Time Matt Spends Sneaking Out To See Near".

6. "No, I do not have a crush on Near."/"Yes, you obviously do."

7. "No, Near does not have a crush on me."/"Yes, he obviously does."

8. "Why do you care anyway? It's not any of your business."/"Yes, it is."/"Why would it be?"

9. "Because you're my best friend."/"Your best friend is Chocolate."

10. "Don't be so catty, Matty. You know I love you!"/"Not more than Chocolate."

Mello, who had begun attempts to fix his hair with a spoon, glanced up angrily and glared at Matt. "Do you really think that?" His voice had quickly become quiet, dangerous, a tone of voice you never, ever wanted to hear from Mihael Keehl.

It almost always meant videogame death.

The proper response to a situation like this is, of course, "No, Mello, I don't really think that. Just go back to eating your chocolate." Everything easily would return back to normal. No more tension. No more fighting.

However, that's not what Matt said. What Matt said was, "Yes! Yes, yes, yes! You love chocolate so damn much that if it were a human girl, you'd spend your whole life trying to marry her! Meanwhile, you treat me like crap, which is messed up because I'm the only person on the whole planet that cares about you this much!"

"Get _out." _Mello's voice dropped into a near whisper. "You think that, Matt? Get the fuck out of my home." He gestured at the door. "Pack your bags and go."

-/x\this/x\is/x\a/x\page/x\break/x\-

"Near!" Someone was pounding on the door, threatening to break through the plastic entrance designed to look like a combination of a bank vault and Optimus Prime. "Near! Near! Near!"

"What?" The younger boy had been trying on a slew of new clothes Roger purchased for him in yet another attempt to get him to wear anything but the pajamas.

Nothing else was comfy.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?"

Near stared at him for a moment, considering. He'd never known Matt to be _weird _or anything, or at least not quite weird enough to want to try something in bed with an albino teenager of the same sex his best friend supposedly despised. "Fine. But don't get any ideas. I'm straight as a ruler."

"Good." said Matt. "But I meant, may I sleep on your couch?"

"Oh, yes. That's fine. What, did Mello kick you out on your tush?"

"You're not allowed to say tush again either. That is now on your 'veto' list."

"Come inside," Near ordered. He gestured to his kitchen, where clothes were strewn about on chairs and windows, the table and the floor. Near's eye followed Matt's to about 250 pairs of jeans stacked on the windowsill. "It was cheaper than curtains," he explained. Matt glanced at him. "I got them for free. This mess is Roger's fault, by the way."

"Okay," said Matt. "Whatever." If Near wanted to be freaky with his clothes, that was completely and totally his business.

Matt flopped down onto his back on the couch, letting out a humongous groan. This low, all-too-pained noise reverberated through the dorm, and would have been mildly concerning for its occupants had they not all heard it before. "Near, he's going to kill my video games." He groaned again. "Goodbye, Link, Mario, Peach..." It was his own fault, though. Matt took off as soon as Mello told him to, forgetting in his haste and anger to grab food, or clothes, or, most importantly, his game collection.

He went on for about four minutes before an unconcerned and kind of annoyed (not that it was showing on his face) Near cut in. "Do you want coffee? I think we should go over the plan again."

"It doesn't matter," muttered Matt despondently into his pillow. "I've ruined all chances I've ever had with Mello. _All of them._" Near thought Matt was being just a little bit melodramatic. Then again, compared to Near, everyone was melodramatic. Near was calm almost one hundred percent of the time.

Almost.

"Matt, please stop slobbering on my stuff and think. Mello loves you. He's said as much, hasn't he? Even if it's not the way you so obviously want him to-"

"I. Am. Not. Gay."

Near sighed, visibly shaking his head. He had no idea what to say at this point, or how they ever got along together in the first place. Matt was obviously an idiot, you know, for being a genius.

"Let's go over the plan one more time, since we always only get halfway through it." said Near, putting on hand on his forehead and walking over to sit on Matt's legs.

"Alright," said Matt. "But please get your 'tush' off my leg."

"Why do you get to say it?"

"'Cause I'm awesome."

"Whatever you say," said Near, "but I'm still not convinced."

He was in the morning, though. He was in the morning.

-/x\this/x\is/x\a/x\page/x\break/x\-

_What happened two minutes before the beginning of this chapter, and a little bit more_

Near sat down on Mello's black leather couch, running his hands along the cushion and sighing. "Man, I could get used to this. Mello definitely has the best couch in all of Wammy's."

"I thought you hated leather," said Matt, who was coming back down from the momentary high of being reunited with his video games and cigarettes. He too was sitting on the couch, legs up on the coffee table, smoke billowing out of his mouth in perfect rings. This was a new trick he had learned with the help of one of Mello's biker friends.

"On people, Matt, I hate leather," said Near, turning a finger in his hair, "but on couches, no."

"Oh, really? Why?"

Near was grateful to Matt, he really was. See, he was doing everything he could to not think about the plan. If he broke out in a nervous sweat now, not only would it give them both away, it would ruin his character. There would be nothing more he could do to hide the fact that he had feelings and needs and wants and was actually a normal human being, kind of.

"Because they're tramps, Matt." said Near.

The key turned in the lock.

"Quick," hissed Near, now exceptionally quieter now that Mello was home, "get into position!"

"What position?" asked a very confused and flustered Matt.

Near sighed. "This position," he said, pushing Matt to the side and angling himself so they were facing each other. He leaned his forehead against Matt's forehead.

"Oh," said Matt. "Well, this position is slightly awkward."

"That's the point." said Near, and then did the exact thing he'd been trying not to think about all day. He kissed Matt smack on the lips, tightened his hands around Matt's shirt so that Matt wouldn't try to escape, and waited.

Mello opened the door and looked around, until his eyes alighted on the shock of beautiful reddish hair and pale skin that was Matt passionately kissing Near.

And he dropped the groceries, including a beautiful new glass vase he had planned to put Matt's apology flowers in. Yet, apparently, he was not getting apology flowers, because Matt was kissing Near. His rival.

The glass vase shattered.

And Near stopped kissing Matt. He looked up and saw Mello, and a smirk ripped across his face as quickly as a train rips across a human being, standing on the tracks, in the way.

Of the three people in the room: Two were shocked, one was permanently scarred, and all three wore crimson blushes from their necks to their foreheads. The shattered glass on the floor made escape damn near impossible without injury and the shattered look on Mello's face complemented the scene perfectly.

"What. The. Hell." Mello's body may have been shaking, but his voice was as clear and as cold as ice crystal.

Mello stormed past them. If he didn't acknowledge the current situation, it didn't happen.

He never heard Matt's excuses.

He was gone.

-/x\this/x\is/x\a/x\page/x\break/x\-

Matt lay there on the couch, completely dumbfounded by what just happened. Sitting near him on the coffee table was Near, one of his legs crossed over the other for security reasons.

Near understood himself better than most people. He knew his emotions and feelings well, which was why it was so easy for him to keep them under control, always. Except for right now. Near did not understand why he was blushing.

"What the hell was that?" exclaimed Matt, finally able to catch his voice. "What _was _that?"

"That," Near explained, "was the second part of the plan we never went over."

Near stared at Matt. Matt stared at Near. It was a staring contest, Matt trying to stare the younger boy down while Near tried to figure out what was going on in that strange, blood red head of his.

"What are you thinking?" Near finally asked, looking away.

Matt continued staring, trying to bore a hole in his head. "I'm thinking," he said at last, "that if you're 'straight as a ruler', you're like those rulers you can buy at Wal-Mart. The bendy ones."


End file.
